Jokes for People Who Overthink Everything
Anxiety can strike at any moment. One second you're kicking back, relaxing, and enjoying a cool breeze on a hot summer day when out of nowhere your brain starts to betray you. You're suddenly remembering that one horribly awkward thing you said four years ago and can't stop replaying what you should have said instead. Now you're convinced that your so-called "friends" have been lying about actually liking you this whole time and are constantly hanging out without you. It's called overthinking, and if you're someone who does this on a regular basis, you know firsthand how annoying it can be. These jokes will hit a little too close to home for people who overthink everything. Oh, and if you're looking for a great way to help a loved one manage their anxiety, this guy has got it all figured out. All the good ones are taken, am I right?
This real concern
Luckily, I keep my birth certificate in a safe and secure place along with all of my other important documents: In a mildew-covered box in the basement next to the leaky drain pipe.
This rude response
The nerve of some people! Everyone knows the correct response is “Yep!” with a smiley emoji thrown in for good measure.
This happens to me every time McDonald’s is out of something that I try to order in the drive-thru. I’m forced to just speed out of the parking lot to avoid further embarrassment.
This restful night's sleep
It’s so important to get your full 8 hours of nightmarish sleep each night. I know if I only get around 4 hours of horribly stressful slumber I’m a complete zombie the next day.
These reasonable scenarios
This is why I try to avoid getting into petty fights with my friends and family members. Not because I actually care about them, but because if either of us gets murdered I don’t want our last conversation to be an argument about what 90’s boy band was the best. (The correct answer is Backstreet Boys, Aunt LINDA.)
This anxious pupper
I relate to this dog on so many levels. Not only do I tend to overthink everything, but I also like to wear my fancy pearls with a casual winter hat.
This internal struggle
These two are always at odds. Recently my common sense decided to take a much-needed vacation, so I’ve basically just been going rogue. Now excuse me while I go buy a boat with my American Express credit card.
This relatable response
Oh, I definitely felt that. And it instantly transported me back to AP Bio when my teacher would randomly call of people without warning. I thought I’d blocked out those memories…
This big difference
I swear I know how to tie my shoelaces. You just have to close your eyes and face the wall while I do it.
This fun date
If everyone goes through this exact same emotional turmoil after a date, why can’t we just acknowledge it openly and make it less weird? Why must we suffer in silence?!
This unhelpful brain
Can we all just agree that our brains are jerks that are constantly trying to sabotage us?
This laidback attitude
I really admire this person’s zen way of living. I would add just two more to this list: every possible worst-case scenario and whether or not my dog respects me.
This awkward moment
See? Even a big star like Anna Kendrick isn’t immune to crippling anxiety! Celebs: They’re just like us!
Even after practicing it in your head all morning, it still came out weird.
This vengeful God
The “lol” at the end really spoke to me. I use this tactic whenever I want to make a serious question sound less intense. I hope God was cool about it.
This anxious Olympian
I’d probably watch the Anxiety Olympics. Although it probably just involves a bunch of people binge-watching Netflix underneath their weighted blankets.
These intrusive thoughts
Can’t I just have ONE moment of PEACE?!
This impressive kid
I’m actually pretty impressed by how organized this child was. This poor, neurotic, miserable child.
These not-so-delicious doughnuts
Along with being a complete and total jerk, your brain is also a liar. Your brain: “Wow, that was an awkward comment. Everyone at this party is totally judging you now.” Maury Povitch: “The lie detector determined THAT was a lie.”
These screaming frogs
I never thought I’d see the day where I related to screeching amphibians, but here we are.
It’s not like they secretly hang out without you for the sole purpose of talking about how stupid and weird you are, right? RIGHT?!?
This incorrect worrier
Wait, is there a wrong way to worry? Excuse me while I dive into a deep Google hole for the next 12 hours.
This distracted shopper
It makes me feel a bit better knowing that I’m not the only one who does this. But it also makes me feel like it’s completely obvious when I do this. Just how interesting could that bottle of Miracle Whip really be?
This fun throwback
This is why it’s important to block out those humiliating memories and never revisit them again. I’m sure every therapist would agree with me on this.
This eye contact issue
Can we all collectively decide what amount of eye contact is the correct amount? Because I can never tell if I’m coming off as confident or insane.
This logical reaction
Okay, so this is a slight overreaction. I mostly just want to change my name and go into the witness protection program.
This complete betrayal
This cuts especially deep when you say “Here’s the winner right here” before adding your card to the pile. You people clearly don’t recognize comedic gold when you see it!
This packing practice
If by “underwear” you mean “every single item of clothing which results in me having to bring two suitcases worth of stuff when one would suffice” then yes, yes I do.
This disruptive student
Sorry for bothering you with my bodily functions, guys. I’m so embarrassed.
This unknown caller
Seriously, who calls people anymore? It just seems unreasonably aggressive.
Millions of people are currently in self-isolation.
Because of the deadly COVID-19 outbreak currently sweeping the planet, many of us have found ourselves quarantined in our own homes.
But what exactly are the benefits of this self-isolation?
The virus, which has so far infected over 200,000 people all over the world, is spread primarily through physical contact with others.
So, the best way to avoid further spreading the virus is to self-isolate.
If someone has contracted COVID-19 or has been in contact with someone who has, staying indoors and away from the general public will dramatically slow down the spread of the virus.
All around the world, cities have been brought into lockdown...
And large, crowded events have been canceled.
And, here in the U.S...
Several state governors have called for all bars and restaurants to be closed in an effort to slow the spread of the virus, which has so far infected 7,301 Americans.
Businesses in California, Ohio, Illinois, Massachusetts, and Washington have been affected...
And have closed indefinitely until further notice.
So there isn't much left for us to do...
But to sit at home and wait it out.
And for some of us, we are lucky enough to be able to bring our work home.
In another bid to prevent the spread of COVID-19, many businesses have been instructing their staff to work remotely, rather than come into the office. I, myself, write this from the warmth and coronavirus-free comfort of my bed. It could be a lot worse!
So far, most people have been loving working from home.
An extra hour in bed, Netflix as you work, access to all the snacks… The perks are endless.
Though some have been getting a little more distracted than others...
Attention-hungry pets are a recipe for disaster for some quarantined workers.
But this self-isolation isn't exclusive to just us regular folk...
Because many celebrities have been self-isolating too.
And some have had to work from home themselves.
Star of The Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon, wasn’t taking any chances this week and thus decided to jump on board the work-from-home bandwagon.
After the studio production was shut down due to coronavirus concerns...
Jimmy decided to present The Tonight Show from the comfort of his own abode.
It was just as brilliant as we’d all imagined it to be.
Jimmy released the first episode of his "At Home" series on Tuesday...
And, with the help of his wife, Nancy, their 6-year-old daughter, Franny, and their dog Gary, the host was able to put together a pretty decent make-shift studio… From a rather cluttered room in his house.
To open the unusual episode, Jimmy gave the low down on what was happening.
“Hi guys, this is Jimmy Fallon and this is The Tonight Show Home Edition… I guess you can call it. We really don’t know what this is, but we wanted to put something out there for you guys, and just have some levity in these bizarre times.”
He then introduced his off-camera helpers...
“My camera operator is my wife – Hi, honey, thank you for doing this. And we have my dog, Gary. My dog Gary is my first guest… Gary, sit.” Franny then excitably runs into the shot, prompting Jimmy to ask her, “Franny, do you want to play the drums?” In which she replies, “No”, making Jimmy sigh and exclaim, “Okay, perfect!”
It's all wonderfully chaotic.
And Jimmy took the time to remind his fans: “This is tough times, but we can get through this together. We can. Be safe, wash your hands, and, uh, don’t touch your face!”
Jimmy will be posting daily episodes from his house during the quarantine period...
And his debut was dedicated to St. Patricks day, and included all sorts of Irish-themed fun. “I want to wish everyone a wonderful St. Patricks Day. Today is St. Paddy’s Day!”
You can watch the full episode here.
Just when we thought The Tonight Show couldn’t get any better. To read about which other celebrities are self-isolating, keep scrolling…