People Reveal the Weirdest Reasons to Get Married
At the risk of sounding reductive, there is really only one reason to get married — you've found a person you love and you want to spend the rest of your life together. If your reason for getting married is any other reason — like, say, appeasing your family because they have certain expectations of you, or because you're trying to secure your finances, or because you need a green card, like, this week — you might want to call off the ceremony. But while there are obviously good and bad reasons to get married, there are also weird reasons — the kind of reasons that will make every last guest at your reception scratch their heads and go "huh?" Twitter is here to list those weird reasons, all filed under the hashtag #WeirdReasonsToGetMarried. Truly, some people are getting hitched for reasons beyond our comprehension, so the best we can do is just sit back and laugh.
Holy matrimony, Batman!
I don’t doubt there was an episode of the 1960s Batman show that saw some kind of super-witch cast a spell on Robin that could only be broken by Batman marrying said super-witch. I do, however, doubt that the marriage would last.
They have to give you a limo at your wedding. That's just the law.
Furthermore, the only way you get to ride in a limo is a) when you get married, b) after you make 20 million dollars, and c) if your class sells the most magazines in the school magazine drive and you get a pizza party at Circus Pizza. And that’s it!
But only sometimes.
Haha, imagine feeling so trapped by the person you love you think prison would be better! That is… that is… well, it makes me very sad.
It's much more fun two-player.
The thing about Contra is that it’s very hard even in two-player, let alone when you’re trying to out-shoot all those aliens on you own. I can definitely see getting married for this reason.
It's all relative.
What are those fun activities the married Christians are having, you ask? Well, how about late-night Bible study and Charades without swear words?
See, I like it a bit chilly.
Hopping into a fresh, slightly cold bed just makes me feel like my sheets are fresh and clean. But hey man, if you like warm beds enough to promise yourself to someone for the rest of your life, I’m happy for you.
Hope they don't have two boys.
This seems very funny now, but after — oh, I dunno — two weeks of marriage? This pun will not hold up.
A man provides (drinkable water).
I honestly don’t know how to change the water filter either. Guess I’ll be alone forever. But it’s okay, I deserve that.
Eternity might get lonely.
Listen, we don’t know what happens after we die. Maybe we go to Heaven and get reunited with all our deceased loved ones, but it’s also possible we just get stuck underground with everyone else buried in our same cemetery.
This is going to sound sarcastic, but I swear it's not.
There’s no such thing as the “right” marriage — if you want to be the same gender and you’ve had the conversation with your partner that you both have a desire to cheat and are both okay with it, well, that’s just as good a start to a marriage as any.
I call shotgun!
I’ve been coming down pretty hard on folks for their weird reasons for getting married, but not here. Taking the bus sucks. I get it.
I wish I hadn't binged This Is Us so fast.
Do you know how much TV you have to have watched in this, the age of the streaming service, to think there’s nothing good on TV? It is a lot of TV, and that kind of focus and commitment is important in a partner.
Take me out to the balllllllgame.
For some people, nothing matters more than their sports fandom — what better way to trap someone forever than to tempt them with perpetual tickets to their favorite teams’ home games?
I do like indecision...
I might be the opposite of this guy, because I never have an opinion on when we eat — I just want someone to make the decision already.
"You're O positive?! I'm O positive! Let's get married!"
This would be great! You and your partner could both quit your jobs and just give blood for a living!
Data is getting pricey.
Before you put a ring on it, check her phone number. A lot of people’s wifi password is their phone number.
"I've had this one my whole life!"
Sometimes you want to just mix it up a little, you know? Change your signature, get a new ID — having a new last name just so new and exciting!
Nothing makes a girl feel more special than telling her you want to marry her because your boy had to work late and now you guys aren’t going to watch the Vikings game anymore.
When honesty is most important to you...
I hate to be the one to say this, but you can tell DM creeps whatever you want. They’re not going to check. And even if they did, it’s not like they deserve honesty for being such upstanding citizens or anything.
If you’ve ever been the lone unmarried person in a group of friends, you know the urge to snatch up a spouse as quick as possible.
It's against the law for single people to wear rings.
Passed in 1898, the Federal Rings Can Only Be Worn By The Marrieds Act makes it illegal for those not living within the confines of marriage from wearing rings on their ring fingers. It doesn’t feel fair, but hey, the law’s the law.
Taxes do suck.
Every year, at the end of March, I ask someone to marry me just so I can fill out a single tax form with them instead of on my own. And then I get divorced every April 16th. It is a very bad plan, and is causing me much more stress than just doing my taxes like normal!
This reads sarcastic, but I bet it's not.
Again, choosing where to eat is hard. Articulating your thoughts is a great way to find out what you actually want to eat. Me, I’m always swirling around “I guess I could do sushi? Or pancakes” and then always end up eating Chipotle. We need someone to challenge us, food-wise!
Weddings are the only way to get a slow cooker.
Imagine that, for whatever reason, tomorrow everyone on earth decided they weren’t going to get married any more. The slow cooker industry would die overnight.
They're like a walking fridge full of organs for you.
On the other hand, you have to be ready to donate a kidney to them if they need it. That’s not a deal I think I could take.
Sunday is sample day.
Honestly, I don’t know how one even gets a Costco membership — don’t you have to go inside a Costco to get one? But how do you get in the Costco without a membership? — so this does seem like a pretty good reason to get married.
600 pounds of beef? Not worth a lifetime commitment. But 700? Well, now we’re talkin’…
Now you're famous!
It is so difficult to break into the acting business. How else are you supposed to get your first credit, besides getting divorced on national television?
Aw, poor pizza guy.
I would date the poor lonely pizza guy — provided, of course, that he brings me pizza. (I am not a principled man.)
Doesn't hurt to shuffle the deck.
You spend Christmas with your own dysfunctional family? You definitely have a bad Christmas. You roll the dice with a new dysfunctional family? You might have a bad Christmas. I think the choice is clear. Think these are funny? Check out the weirdest ways to sign off an email…
Here he is again, the Impressive Clergyman!
Honestly, whenever I think about marriage, first I hear it in my head as “mawwiage.” Marriage is silly and lovely and funny and strange, just like this guy. Here are some jokes only married folks will understand.
Exactly the amount
I don’t know about this problem because whenever I have cheese and crackers, I always take out all of the cheese and all of the crackers. You know, just in case.
If you live with a snoring partner, you will understand how you can want to go to the edges of the Earth for someone until they can’t control their breathing at night.
Look, when you need Cheetos, you need Cheetos. It doesn’t matter if you Psycho your wife to death.
It’s really this incredible skill that women have, to look for things in a productive way. They see invisible objects that are right where they should be but are inexplicably invisible to others.
I believe this exchange verbatim has happened in my household. We don’t want to go to things. But it’s nice to be invited.
I cannot tell you how many times I have woken up seething at my partner because he did something terrible in my dream. And he sleeps away not realizing that he just ruined my life.
This person really knows how to seduce his wife. It’s important that couples are open and honest with each other about everything, including chicken nugget consumption.
When you have a partner who loves to do bits and jokes, you understand this very specific type of groan-filled frustration. It’s the worst!
Social media vs. real life
If everyone used social media like a therapist and complained about their partners all the time instead of putting them on a pedestal, I feel like we might be better off as a society.
There’s a simple solution to this! Buy two chargers!
Closest to the door
I mean, yes, this is just self-preservation. If men can oppress women for all of history, they can get murdered first.
Breathe the other way
One of the main struggles of cuddling is to find a place for both your heads, so neither of you gets a stream of hot breath on your face. It’s really, very annoying.
Home with wine
I do this exact same thing with my fiancé only he is bringing my ice cream, which is more like an ice cream truck.
One thousand babies
It’s a scientific fact that men act like little children when they get sick compared to women, who’ve been forced for eternity to remain composed and poised and adult-like in any situation.
Oh my goodness this tweet is relatable. Lately, I’ve been watching a spooky show, so I to turn it off when he gets home because he doesn’t like spooky things.
Call me new-fashioned, but I like it when both people like pickles so you can both go to pickle festivals and eat pickles together all the time in marital bliss.
I think it’s a rule that you are supposed to amass at least two decorative pillows for every year that you are married. It’s just the law.
Now you want one
Obviously, the correct answer is to look longingly into his eyes until he offers you a half and then you say, “Hmm, I’m still hungry,” until he offers to make another one.
I love this, and I think I’m going to adopt this question! Although, no one will know if I’m talking about my partner or my dog.
Always bring a shopping list! Otherwise, you end up with a panda.
The last fry
You don’t take the last fry, even if you’re married, and if you do, you deserve to choke! Especially when it’s a curly fry.
To be fair, a dog tuxedo is never a frivolous purchase. What if your dog is getting married or must last-minute conduct an orchestra?
I love this bit! It is so hilarious, until it happens to you, of course.
Fresh and exciting
I don’t know how this tweet passed Twitter’s standards, but it’s so naughty! This is too much. It’s making me blush.
Hey, when someone you love does something nice for you, it’s exciting! That excitement comes even when it’s not supposed to.
The whole reason you get married is to have someone who you can turn to in the middle of the night with your absurd questions. Next!
It’s so true that in marriage or a long-term relationship, you develop this sort of secret language where you can understand each other just by vague sounds. It’s the best.
Some husbands or wives or partners don’t know how to cook, and when you ask them to do one simple preparatory task, they cannot.
Your wife is just trying to make sure you don’t look like an absolute fool when she says that. Trust her. Share this with your partner or someone else who will understand!